i won't be using this blog anymore.
i need a fresh page. fresh idea's.

http://summertimesadownfall.tumblr.com/

edge.

FUCK. THIS.

M.I.A

you were bambi, somebody had to teach you how to walk.

follow my beats if you can't hear your own.

tonight when we were talking, i asked you, when you felt most alive.
you couldn't answer me.
whether it was a kiss, the kind that you really mean. where every second feels like a lifetime, from when your lips touch base, to the little gasp for air inbetween.
whether it was running, with nowhere to go, and ending up on the edge of the city lights, storing that picture in your memory box.
whether it was the first, fresh breath of the northern air in the morning.
you couldn't answer me.
you will feel it. i will give it to you one day if you can't feel it on your own.
you deserve this.

your starting to give me back something that i had taken away, A.
something i never thought i'd get back.
i can see your heart. and it's a good one.
i've not felt this way in a while.



as for you, G, don't play with fire. because i will burn you. hotter and harder than last time.

O&O. x

game over.

and you win.

its nearly the end of the year now. and, a lot of things are ending with that. i've learnt this year, that you don't get to choose. when somebody changes. when somebody dies. when somebody leaves. when you fall in love. you never see it coming. and you never see it ending. but it all does. everything and everyone has they're time. this year will end, and so will we. i spent a lot of time over analyzing everything. putting things in order and thinking them through. so, for once, while i still have the chance, im gonna write down my thought's in no order, in no sense. chaos. as they come. because i choose to.

i see smoke swirls, twisting and dancing they're way amongst the fabric in the bedroom as they make they're way through the air from the window.
i see restless night's with fingers tracing patterns on the slightly textured ceiling.
i see late rises, where the duvet's moulded in just the right way and your content in the drowsy state.
i see, the leaves rustling in the tree's, melodically. they always play the same thing.
i hear goo goo dolls and see fireflies flashing.
i see worn out buttons on the phone, and creaky floorboards.
the smell of fresh letters and the hum of a car engine.
i see sidelines.

i see mistakes. and i see life.
this year's held, more mistakes than i hope i will ever encounter again in my life. but it taught me what its like to breathe. to really breathe. i met and knew someone who will change my life forever now.

nobody will ever be allowed that close again.
this blog will be deleted in a few days time. this is my last post. one of the things that is ending.
talking of which.
i love you.
you win.

happy new year.

here's to the nights.

well this blog's defininately in need of a serious update. Last post was what seems like forever ago now. So much has changed since then. My world's changed. Turned upside down. I get a lot of time on my own now, at university, and it's easy to sit and think about everything that sped past me like tree's through a car window. If i look back over the last few month's, the last few years, it's difficult to come to terms with how badly i let everything go. Myself go. I loved. I have that for life now. Imprinted as a tattoo across a barely beating heart, and i owe everything to what i learnt from that girl. I lost everything because of who i became, selfish, boring, miserable. I see myself sitting up on the phone to her with the scissors in my hands, i see her chasing me with text after text and not putting in the effort to chase her back, the girl who was so beautiful to me once. I slipped into the downward spiral of being too tired to fight everything that was thrown at me.
That, first and foremost has changed.
because now i see, the thursday night excitement over watching skins, the stories and goodnight texts is something i should never give up. All the small things, that make life as it should be.
It took me losing everything to get my fight back. and though it was a great price to pay, i owe the love of my life that lesson too. She made me dream once. and she has again.
I have my dreams back.
One day, im gonna be big. Im gonna stick at this, and make sure i live every night out on the beach, every walk amongst the fields, every missed lecture as if i'd never felt more alive in my life. Im gonna put all the love i have left over that she doesnt need anymore into everything im passionate about. My music. My writing. Things became beautiful once. and i hold out that they will be again. I'll sit with my phantoms and write till the early hours, and i'll be content with what im doing here.
Content that she's happy.
That i have something to love.
That i did love.
That i had my shot.
And that i can make anything i want to happen.
you never move on from somethings, and i never will, but you move up.

An old saying is that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else, and i've learnt the hardway that thats true.
Word is,
Im back again. hope you didn't miss the real me too much.


if you read this, P, then this is what i tried to explain the other night on the phone.
"Take this sinking boat and point it home, raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you made it hard. Falling slowly, sleep, your melody, i'll sing it loud."

EOS.

Im going to write my life story now, from the moment I started living. I don’t mean seventeen years ago when I was born, I mean when I really started living. 2 years, 6 weeks, and 4 days ago, I fell in love. That was when I started living. I thought I had been in love before then, to a girl I had dated for almost 2 years, but as time went on with pixie I realised that the kind of love I had had for that girl barely touched the corners of what I felt for this one. It wasn’t love at all. The way we met was strange, not a typical cliché meeting where it’s love at first sight or an instant connection, but instead we worked for the love we have. We spoke about our lives, and how different they were, about what we spent our days doing, and how we spent our weekends apart. We spoke about our music tastes, both a little out of the norm but almost matching and creative, about our hobbies and our routines. Everything she had to say, I listened to with only the slightest awareness of everything else around me. Once pixie had my attention, only she had it. She was a simple girl you see. She came from a small place up north, where everyone knows everyone and there’s nothing to do but entertain yourself. I’d grown up around arcades and bowling alley’s, around busy streets and the roar of car engines, with my family intact and my lifestyle neat and busy. It ran like clockwork, jam packed but all the cogs moved. I had music lessons and the contradiction of stealing cars and graffiti’ing on the back of church’s for my hobbies. She on the other hand, explored how the mud sprayed up your back when you rode across the landscape on a quad bike and spent two nights a week with her dad. Often I’d forget what I had to do until the time came to leave her. Back then I had a curfew as we liked to call it. I’d never heard her name before, not pixie but, her real name, that you’ll come to learn. I’ve heard it maybe twice since, referring to other people, and it makes me flinch inside every time. I don’t like her name on others, there will never be anybody that fits it as beautifully as she does. As time went by, we grew closer and closer, and we used to dread the days when she was at her dads or, the weekend took us away from each other. It grew more and more intolerable to be away from her. Like she was my air. We had the silliest conversation’s really, and we made our screen names out of song lyrics. I wrote her poems and she used to doodle. She has an artistic hand. Never seen fingers like hers. The first time the summer holidays came and I had to go away, it was close to unbearable. We said goodbye at least 10 times before one of us left. If you could wrap a wrench around your heart and tug it, then you would know the sheer, sharp sensation that I had. I didn’t know I was falling in love with her, I wouldn’t know for a very long time. We used to say “I love you” to each other, but the words never carried as much meaning as they do now. They grow stronger, more meaningful with each passing day. I spent two weeks away from her that summer, two long, tiring weeks. She told her dad she was missing somebody, I remember her telling me. And he told her to cheer up, they’d be back soon. When I came home for my GCSE results towards the end of the two weeks, her excitement was so strong it cut the air into a thousand smiles when it collided with mine. Everybody in the catchment on 100 kilometres would have been buzzing that night. It was like fireworks. The day I came back to her, was the day I realised I’d fallen for this girl. She’d come into my world hard and fast, and I’d fallen for her at twice the speed and strength. She went camping that summer, down the bottom of her garden with somebody she told me was her sister. That just about sums her up, her lifestyle. I never thought of camping at the bottom of a garden before. You find pixies at the bottom of the garden. Those three, four days seemed endless once I knew that I loved her, and since then, each moment I’ve spent apart from her seems like a wasted one. Many of you would think im exaggerating, but do not feel you have the right to judge unless you have your own pixie. It got to the stage, as time went on, where we both became ‘atattched’ to other people. I won’t stray too far onto this subject because it pains me to talk about it, but we did. The relationships, for whatever reason, didn’t last long, and it was after them that we realised there would never be another of each other that could make us feel the way we did when we were together. Although It strengthened our desire to be together, take note of this part of the story. It’s where the jealousy starts. We carried on. Loving, fooling, living, breathing with each other. And one day, when the big arguments started, we fell out. She ignored me, for day’s, and now im not afraid to admit that that was the first time I’d felt heartache. I pleaded with her to reply to me, talk to me. I pined after her and dreamt of her. For her own reasons, she did what she had to. It was my seventeenth birthday, and I spent it without her. It was to date, the worst birthday of my life. During that time, I spent a night talking to somebody else. Things went regrettably too far there. I wanted somebody to replace pixie, and so I bled my heart out to this girl about how much I missed her, and received comfort in return. I never knew she was coming back. I make no excuses for what I did there. I should have known better than to ever think somebody could replace pixie. There will never be anybody like her. I was wrong, also. She did come back. The relief I felt when she did, I can feel in my bones even today. It’s the kind you get when you take a big sigh in the crisp cold air, and watch it blow out before your face when you exhale. It fills your lungs with the refreshing chill of oxygen and restarts your heart ready for the next breath. Since that time, I have never let her get as close to ignoring me forever as she did then. I kept the occurrences during that time a secret for a while. But something we have both learnt in our relationship, again recently, is that there is only so long you can keep secrets from the ones you love. Or more to the point, the ones that love you. Not long ago now, I went to visit her hometown, and it was beautiful. I have never seen such serenity in my short life, and am yet to find something, other than her, that takes my breath away so easily. Myself and pixie have made steady progress over these 2 years. We’ve pleaded, shouted, hated, bitched, laughed with each other. We’ve proven everybody wrong that thought we would never last. You will never find a relationship that has been more difficult than ours and yet, we made it. Even with our backs against the walls. 262 miles, could not keep me from loving this girl. I changed the path of my future to be with this girl, because I love her so terribly. She’s broken my heart, and now owns all the little pieces inside a gold heart on a chain that she wears around her wrist. She has me on a rope, im telling you. She helped me through my parents divorce, and sickness. Through self harming, and im not afraid to admit that either. This girl has helped me through half the marriage vows already. This is the girl, that I hoped I was going to marry. But we never really know what’s around the corner. I’d like to have children with his girl. To be her first. But its all easy to say. Im only seventeen. I know nothing about the ways of the world or what women want. But I can say this. I know what jealousy is. I know what being selfish is. I’ve undoubtedly been more selfish to this girl, denying her the smallest of things than I can put down in words. I know what breathlessness, and lust on another scale is. I know what its like to live. This girl I describe as my Bella, because there is nothing more tempting, more desired, more precious to me than her. I will love her forever, and there’s nothing I can do to change that, no matter how hard I try.

This girl is called Evie Simpson. And you will never be like her.