here's to the nights.

well this blog's defininately in need of a serious update. Last post was what seems like forever ago now. So much has changed since then. My world's changed. Turned upside down. I get a lot of time on my own now, at university, and it's easy to sit and think about everything that sped past me like tree's through a car window. If i look back over the last few month's, the last few years, it's difficult to come to terms with how badly i let everything go. Myself go. I loved. I have that for life now. Imprinted as a tattoo across a barely beating heart, and i owe everything to what i learnt from that girl. I lost everything because of who i became, selfish, boring, miserable. I see myself sitting up on the phone to her with the scissors in my hands, i see her chasing me with text after text and not putting in the effort to chase her back, the girl who was so beautiful to me once. I slipped into the downward spiral of being too tired to fight everything that was thrown at me.
That, first and foremost has changed.
because now i see, the thursday night excitement over watching skins, the stories and goodnight texts is something i should never give up. All the small things, that make life as it should be.
It took me losing everything to get my fight back. and though it was a great price to pay, i owe the love of my life that lesson too. She made me dream once. and she has again.
I have my dreams back.
One day, im gonna be big. Im gonna stick at this, and make sure i live every night out on the beach, every walk amongst the fields, every missed lecture as if i'd never felt more alive in my life. Im gonna put all the love i have left over that she doesnt need anymore into everything im passionate about. My music. My writing. Things became beautiful once. and i hold out that they will be again. I'll sit with my phantoms and write till the early hours, and i'll be content with what im doing here.
Content that she's happy.
That i have something to love.
That i did love.
That i had my shot.
And that i can make anything i want to happen.
you never move on from somethings, and i never will, but you move up.

An old saying is that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else, and i've learnt the hardway that thats true.
Word is,
Im back again. hope you didn't miss the real me too much.


if you read this, P, then this is what i tried to explain the other night on the phone.
"Take this sinking boat and point it home, raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you made it hard. Falling slowly, sleep, your melody, i'll sing it loud."