listen to me bella.

this is harder than i thought, ignoring her. i keep checking my phone to see if there's a text but i know that there won't be. i guess she meant most of what she said to me, because she's given up just like she accuses me of. granted im stubborn, theres nothing to stop me texting her, but im wounded really, a lot of what she said got to me more than she can know.
it'll be weird to keep writing this everyday without seeing her name on the page anymore if things can't be fixed. her code name, anyway. but what she doesn't understand is that she's not got the nickname captain for nothing. when your captain of a ship, that is your responsibility, that ship and how it sails is down to you, no matter what, whether you like it or not. it's what you were born to do no matter how the sea gets, but she's forgotton.
she still love's alright. there's no question about it.
but she's forgotton what it's like to be willing to give up anything, and not spare a second thought on it because it's for that one special person that matters more than life or limb.
forgotten what is like to lose time, sleep and tears over heartache.
forgotten what it's like to sit up all night, or lose yourself on a bus ride to the thoughts of whats to come, about how good yesterday was and how bursting with love the seams of today are.
she hasn't forgotten love. she's forgotten what comes with it.
if you looked up love in a thesauraus, the other would would be sacrifice. they come hand in hand. but they don't feel like sacrifice's when you mean them with every heartbeat you have to offer.
she's been better than anything i've ever known. meeting her, was like being born again, but i let her down. she let me down.
maybe i don't love so easy either. i used to be full of passion and effort and strength, i used to take everything as it came and let it do it's worst, knowing we'd still be alright at the other end.
in 3 days, we would have made it 2 years.

if i could say anything to her right now, it'd be the confession of how i always hold her ribbon when im talking to her, it still smells of her. i've kept it safe. it'd be how, i printed off her country girls picture, and it's stuck on my locker like a secret im dying to tell. it'd be how, i always find myself playing bella's lullaby when were not talking, when we hate, subconciously hoping my own bella, her, will hear it somehow. if i could say anything to her right now, everything i have to admit would carry us safely into oblivion again.

when your on the edge of letting go, it's the strangest feeling you get. it's like being on a drop ride as it drop's, and you leave your stomach up in the air. it's like feeling theres someone in your house that shouldn't be there, the rush of terror before the calm. it's like slipping, when your trying so hard to hang on but your losing strength in your fingertips. it's like the sting of a thousand hits and the hurt of a thousand words all forged into one.
is this just like all the times before?

"im not letting you go. i have you on a rope, and your not going anywhere".